Santa Baby..

Dear Santa,

How are you doing old bean?..it's been a while since I last wrote a letter to you, in fact I think the last time I was about 4 years old...you didn't send me the Stretch Armstrong that I asked for, but never mind. I'll let that one go..time is a great healer you know.

Anyway, back to the point of writing to you..does it not get on your nerves that the only people who write letters to you are asking for something?..I mean, nobody ever just drops you a line to ask how things are going, whether you got rid of that nasty spot of reindeer pox, or just to share recipes and such..what is the world coming to eh?..when all you get are begging letters from children who you know are lying through their milk teeth, telling you they've been good all year.

Lets face it, children.. by design, are naughty..they annoy, they complain, they demand, in fact I could possibly say that the only only time a child is *actually* good is when they are unconscious.
But do you get letters from little Johnny or Doris saying "Dear santa, I've been unconscious all year"?? no, you don't...and do you know why (I'm sure you already do, but I'll tell you anyway)..because if they have been unconscious all year, they wouldn't be asking for xmas presents...they wouldn't be asking for anything actually because they would still be comatose in order to carry on being good!

OK, so that aside...the real reason I've written this missive to you..what I want for Xmas.

For my present this year, I would really appreciate it if you could supply me with my very own lift..it doesn't have to be a big swanky affair, just a simple 4 person unit.

This will enable me to stop having to use the communal lift with the muppets who cohabit my building with me.

Just think of how much good it would bring the world...I would emerge from my building, completely happy, unruffled by any experiences of severe muppetry which I would inevitably be confronted with in a communal lift...I would then be able to go on to work with a smile on my face, and so spread joy to the rest of the people in the world.

Now wouldn't that be worth it?

As far as delivery goes, I don't have a chimney, and lets face it, bringing a lift down a chimney is a pretty dumb idea anyway..you may as well install the bloody thing at the top of the chimney then just hop into it and press the down button.

No, I don't have a chimney...but you could just install said lift onto the outside of the building I live in, so that it begins at the large balcony doors, and then goes all the way down to ground level...Simple..no fuss!

Oh and you would be advised to get an EMSD lift maintenance certificate for it prior to installation, otherwise I'll be waiting until next year for the inspector to come round and declare it usable.

I would leave the obligatory mince pie and glass of wine out for you on xmas eve, but I heard you were suffering from a spot of gout, so that would be a bad idea...I'll leave you some celery sticks and 3 litres of water for your enjoyment as I'm sure installing a lift in your busy schedule on xmas eve will no doubt work up a healthy sweat.

Love and kisses,

Henry